Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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