Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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