Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
is that a dick in a sweater?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
