i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
