If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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