I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
