If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
