So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
