You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
