I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
