You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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