I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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