I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We don't watch enough power rangers
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
