You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
