So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
