Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
