From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
