white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
