Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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