I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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