What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
