What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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