I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just want to make out with him forever
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
