HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
