why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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