I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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