how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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