and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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