just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So apparently I’m into choking now
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
