All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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