Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
