Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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