I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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