I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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