and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
