you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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