yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
