im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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