I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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