office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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