well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
