im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
