omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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