I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
