thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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