that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
