he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
