i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
