I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
