This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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